The End Of Small Talk

“So how long does it take you to get to the office?” I heard myself ask. Then I stopped in horror. – Tim Boomer, NYT

The End Of Small Talk, by Tim Boomer, tells a personal story from an experience in Costa Rica. He and his friends pick up an American, middle-aged hitch-hiker, on two conditions: 1. She must sing them a song and 2. She must tell them a story.

No spoilers! Ultimately, the decision to hear a complete stranger’s story ends up revealing a remarkable saga.

The Article addresses the dating realm, where small-talk and awkwardness find home, but its lessons are applicable across all relationships.

After listening to the podcast, I felt compelled to write a blog reflection because I struggle with similar questions myself. How do you broach a touchy subject with a friend? How do you know when to offer someone the chance to open up emotionally? As a leader, how can you motivate someone who is dealing with real problems of their own? In the professional realm, how do you build an environment that is conducive to honestly and openness?

The short answer is, I don’t know. But Tim Boomer might offer one solution: End the Small Talk. He says, “All it takes is a willingness to dive into conversations that may make us uncomfortable or that many believe to be inappropriate…” Rather than the generic “How are you?”, prod deeper, be empathetic. One of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned in my experience as a business student is the power of an inquisitive mindset. Showing genuine interest goes a long way in a world where authenticity is scarce.

One of the biggest advantages, and biggest faults of modern technology is the constant connection to others. From the telegraph and telephone to Instagram and Snapchat, the way people communicate has transformed societal values.

There are a multitude of ways modern technology supports safety, efficiency, and productivity. One positive outcome is that information spreads rapidly. During Hurricane Irma, government agencies successfully used Facebook and Twitter to share emergency messages and aid the safe evacuation of Florida (Source). Second, any individual person can share a video, picture, or message, from almost anywhere in the world. Human rights violations that may have gone unnoticed in previous decades are now more likely to be picked up by news sources(Example). Modern innovations like Skype allow doctors to provide medical care to rural areas around the globe. In the near future, augmented reality technology will allow an untrained person to perform basic procedures in emergency situations.

Unfortunately, advancement comes with consequences. First, college students today show less empathy toward others compared with college students in decades before. With different demands at work— hours answering and writing e-mail—people have less time to care about others.—USA Today, 2010 (Source). Without conscious effort, relationships are at risk of becoming solely virtual, trading likes and comments instead of truth and compassion. Further, compared to Baby Boomers (born 1946 –1961) at the same age, GenX’ers (born 1962–1981) and Millennials (born after 1982) considered goals related to extrinsic values (money, image, fame) more important and those related to intrinsic values (self-acceptance, affiliation, community) less important. Social media plays a role in determining what people value; if your social network tends to think, act, dress, eat, and live certain ways, chances are you will too.

Interestingly, college students today ranked “true companionship” a more important value than students did in the 1970s. On the surface, it might seem that students in the 1970s were simply not as good friends as they are today- but I don’t think anyone would buy that. Could it be that the term “friendship” has become too broad and ‘true companionship’ is in high demand? If you have a few thousand Facebook “friends”, five hundred or more LinkedIn connections, and a your entire phone’s memory is devoted to your contact list, is it possible to maintain meaningful relationships with all those people?

The narcissist in me says, No, of course not. Life is hectic; it’s hard enough to keep up with close friends and family, how could it be possible to appreciate the thousands of people who have impacted my life in some way?… And maybe it’s not. It’s possible that there simply isn’t enough time to sufficiently thank all of my supportive teachers, coaches, friends, mentors, professors, and co-workers. But here is my take: the best way to do right by those who love and support us is to take advantage of our lives, be humble, and work hard. Social media provides the space to share our endeavors.

Whether modern technology’s impact on society has been positive or negative, one thing is certain: its effects span the entire spectrum of human life. The more time we spend in front of screens, the less time there is for face-to-face interaction, self-reflection, and silence. The future brings the prospect of authentic-feeling face-to-face interactions through a VR headset. Eventually, when there is no way to distinguish real life from virtual reality, there will be no reason to get in your car and drive to work every day. Why visit family in Alaska when they “come over” for dinner every Wednesday night? With such rapid innovation, people risk losing their ability to effectively communicate face-to-face.

All in all, the biggest takeaway I had from the NYT article is to avoid meaningless ‘Small Talk’  and be mindful of the importance of face-to-face communication.